“I was convinced… my life was over, 100%, and I’m very thankful six years later to tell you… that it’s not.”
Have you ever seen a sunset so beautiful that no words could possibly describe what you witnessed? This is exactly how Don Drennen, a client at The Center, compared the near impossible task of writing his beloved wife Debbie’s eulogy. He explained that the challenge was not figuring what to write, but rather, figuring out what he could leave out and still convey how amazing she was… How does someone encapsulate the life and essence of his high school sweetheart, the mother of his children, to whom he’d been married for 37 years into a brief speech? Furthermore, how does one move forward after such a loss? Don struggled greatly with this latter question shortly after Debbie’s death on September 9th, 2018. “I was convinced… my life was over, 100%, and I’m very thankful six years later to tell you… that it’s not.”
In July of 2009, Debbie was diagnosed with Stage IIIc Ovarian Cancer, despite having no family history of it. She courageously fought the disease for nine years, a process that, as Don shares: “took an awful lot out of her despite her inner strength and perseverance. Cancer was not anything we ever expected, not in our worst nightmares.” Throughout most of her battle, Don held onto the belief that she would be okay. She was “very strong-willed, extremely smart…Our whole family always knew she was special, she was going to get past it.” Debbie, who knew her husband like the back of her hand, recognized that Don would struggle with seeing her suffer and told him she needed him to be strong, so she could focus on fighting the disease. From that point on, Don held back his emotions in front of her and saved his tears for private moments, such as when he mowed the lawn or when he was driving to work. In May of 2018, her doctor delivered the crushing news that they had exhausted all treatment possibilities; there was nothing else that they could do for her. On September 9th of 2018, Debbie took her last breath in their home, surrounded by family.
The time between the death of a person and their funeral is often a hectic one, and a lot is asked of a newly grieving person. There is a laundry list of decisions to be made and tasks to be completed, and social support tends to be at its peak. For Don, once the frenzy was over and he was home alone, everything hit him. He described the feeling as a wave: “I didn’t get to say goodbye, and I didn’t get to say thank you, those two ideas… I started thinking about them, and they both converged into a wave of grief. I was up in my bedroom… and it literally, physically knocked me to the ground. I fell on my knees, I thought I was dying, I thought I was having a heart attack.” Amid the grief overwhelming his mind and body, Don struggled to see a future with so much pain.
Somewhere in his mind, however, was also the memory of making a promise to Debbie that he would not let his grief stop him from living and being there for their children who were also devastated by grief. He knew he needed to look for help, and with his daughter Katie’s gentle recommendation, he reached out to the place he avoided even looking at as he drove by it over the years: The Center for Loss and Bereavement. Shortly after making a call and learning about The Center’s services, Don was connected with therapist Steve Keller and set up his first session. Right away, Don felt that they clicked. “First thing I realized was he got it, he understood me and empathized with what I was going through because he had pain in his life as well. Steve just listened, he asked great questions, he didn’t have an agenda, he didn’t judge in any way. For me, it just worked.”
All these years later, Don declares, “I really think Steve saved my life because before him I truly believed I was done.” In their sessions together they talked about what grief is, what it does to a person, how it manifests, and how people cope with it over time. They processed the pain of having to be strong while he witnessed his wife battle cancer for nine years and being unable to fix it. Most importantly, they addressed his overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. How? Looking back, he reflects that Steve helped him to see that hope did exist, and that he possessed the power to grasp onto it if he chose to. In a way, Steve held onto the hope for Don until he could see it for himself. Steve also consistently reminded him of what Debbie wanted for him. Eventually, Don recognized that he could either let grief “swallow” him, or he could live again. With Steve’s help he even found the courage to start dating again and found his current partner, Karen, who has also been an incredibly important part of his journey toward healing.
Don also found solace in one of The Center’s grief support groups “Loss of Spouse”. He was apprehensive at first, but by the end of the hour and a half meeting he knew he had found “his people.” Their ability to connect over their losses transcended their differences in age and gender, so much so that by the end of the 6 weeks they exchanged contact information to stay in touch. It was helpful for Don to know that he wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t crazy. Together, they concluded that the pain of losing someone they loved deeply was the cost of the time and love they shared with them.
Debbie is still very much a part of Don’s life. She lives on in the way he speaks of her, as a strong person who would do anything for anyone, as someone who always did the right thing. Don affectionally shares that she was “a math and computer science geek” and “beautiful,” and that she adored being a mother and a grandmother. In honor of Debbie, her family has helped raise millions of dollars since 2009 for the Sandy Rollman Ovarian Cancer Foundation which is dedicated to funding research and raising awareness. Debbie had named their team “Till Tomorrow” after the sign off she would use on a daily blog she wrote about her cancer experience. Don has held onto all her blog posts and reads them often to remember her journey.
When asked what advice he would give to anyone who is unsure about seeking grief support, he said, “You owe it to yourself to seek help because you can’t do it by yourself. All you will do by yourself is be lonely. Your psyche can be very effective at turning you into knots… you really should take that leap of faith and reach out for help.”
If you relate to Don’s experience of loneliness and hopelessness in your grief, please know that you do not need to face it alone. Some people may find that they need additional professional support beyond what they have in their personal life, and that is okay. Beyond just providing professional grief services, some find that The Center provides an additional community of support filled with people who “get it.” We understand that taking the first step can be nerve-wracking. We invite you to call us at 610-222-4110 if you have any questions about our services or if you would like to be connected to one of our therapists.
Thank you, Don, for so bravely and generously sharing your story.